Hmmm...what can I say about this?

First off, your narrative is all over the place. While I see a set theme in your poem, I don't particularly see where you're going with it. You use a lot of "If and when" (or yes/no, as it could be better described) speaking in this piece, like:

"Though I receive few,
When I do my world ignites."

and

"So quiet, yet when you speak
You move mountains."

That might fumble the reader through the first go around.

Personally, I think you could do with some line cuts, because how it is at the moment, I feel that it's too jumbled to do anything. In many cases, people strive for details to complete their work, but sometimes, for the more detailed lot, less is more.

Also, it would make an easier read if you weren't so free with your grammar. Remember: Punctuation makes everything in a poem, but it still must be correct punctuation.



I do, however, like the message you're trying to convey here. I just personally think you tried to hard on this one.